Esmeralda - Who Are You?  Who Is Your Date?

By David Barfoot

Esmeralda (not her real name) sought my services as a Life Coach because she wanted romance and she was having trouble finding it.  She wanted more than just romantic flings, she wanted a real, lasting relationship.  There had been many attempts at romance, all of which had been intense, highly romantic affairs that were short lived.  The heady, ecstatic romance would suddenly turn sour and would end badly, leaving her hurt, disappointed and discouraged.  She came to me in a sad despondent state, unsure if she would ever find happiness.

I asked her to describe the nature of these episodes.  She would talk about how they met, what he looked like and how she was attracted to him.  She would describe how she felt.  The pattern was that he “seemed like he must be the one because I felt so in love.”  The feeling was a giddy, head swimming high.  It felt so good it must be right.  The story was always the same.  Within a few weeks, the man seemed to change.  New information about his nature emerged and he was no longer the knight in shining amour (pun intended) she first thought.  The high she was first feeling turned bad and sad.  She was either left by him or she wanted nothing more to do with the jerk.  He just didn’t seem like the man she first thought he was.

So I say to Esmeralda.  “Esmeralda (I just love saying that name), do you ever really talk to these guys, or is it just trivial stuff?”  You guessed it, all trivial.  Not much to be said in a noisy club or even a noisy restaurant or a ski slope.  The bedroom was reserved for other things.  It just didn’t seem the cool thing to do.  It’s no wonder the guys all turned into strangers all of a sudden.  They WERE strangers.

So Esmeralda and I embarked on a series of coaching sessions where we talked about communication skills ­--- how to talk to guys and just people in general.  How to share who she is and how to find out who they are in a pleasant non-threatening way.  The gut spilling of deep intimacy would follow when, and if, appropriate. 

Also, we did a values assessment on her so as to discover and clarify exactly who SHE  was and what was truly important to her in life and in a man.  Some things she knew, some things were surprises, but it gave her a clear picture of what to look for in a mate. 

Well, Esmeralda took her new info and disappeared.  I didn’t see or hear from her for about three months and I figured my work with her must not have been helpful and she moved on.  Oh well, I gave it my best shot.  Then, low and behold, she shows up at my office door with boyfriend in tow.  She had TALKED to this one in an effective way!  After about a nine month courtship, they are now engaged.

The above story applies to guys too.  Nobody gave us guys any lessons in how to talk either!

Now I’m not going to take all the credit for Esmeralda’s success.  After all, SHE did the work and perhaps others helped also.  But, I’d like to think I had my influence.

Life’s short.  Give me a call.  Sessions can be done on the phone if you prefer or if you’re not local.  

David Barfoot

Co-Active Life Coach    719-648-9294