Embracing your Perfect Imperfections  By Hilary Silver

Have you ever heard yourself say “I’m not ready to be in a relationship yet, I really need to work on _____ first.”  If so, you are not alone.  One of the most common statements I hear in my practice with my single clients revolves around the notion that they must “fix” some broken part of themselves prior to entering into a relationship.  Examples of these broken pieces might be to get out of debt or secure a better job, to lose 10 pounds or wean themselves from antidepressants.  Whatever the ____ is, no matter how silly, small or trivial it may sound to others, it is anything but small to the person holding on to it.  We are all sensitive to certain qualities or circumstances in our lives; attributes we might categorize as negative or bad.  Sometimes, these so-called imperfections become a source of great shame and embarrassment.  Hence, the desire to “fix” or “eliminate” such issues prior to sharing in an intimate relationship.

With thoughts like these it is no wonder you might want to put off a relationship or somehow sabotage the relationships in which you do become involved.  In therapy terms, this urge to keep your skeletons in the closet is called hiding your shadow self.  You may be doing this consciously as a way to detach yourself from those negative attributes, but the shadow can also hide out in the subconscious, eluding even yourself.

Either way, it is a defense mechanism to divorce yourself from those qualities in which you are ashamed.  Keeping these detached parts of your self tucked away in the naughty corner is a sure way to keep people (including yourself) at a comfortable distance from the darkness of the shadow and from knowing your true, whole integrated self.  And, as long as you are holding on to the irrational shame associated with the shadow, you will never achieve true intimacy.  Somehow the notion that one must be perfect in order to be lovable has crept into the psyche of our singles, and it is preventing some perfectly imperfect people from enjoying a loving relationship. 

The truth is, this manner of thinking is completely distorted and irrational.  If you put off entering into a relationship until you have “fixed” your flaws, you will be waiting for a very long time.  Because we ALL have a combination of positive and negative traits, thinking you are alone in that struggle to bring them into line is false.  Not only will you continue to judge yourself unworthy, but your tolerance for the flaws in others will be slim.  This creates deal-breakers where there might not be any, which dramatically reduces your chances for a true connection.  And since we all know in our rational minds that perfection does not exist- you will continue a fruitless quest for that perfect partner. 

So, how does one go about changing this kind of thinking?  You accept those disowned parts of you and integrate the shadow into your consciousness.  Remind yourself everyday that the combination of what you consider your positive and negative is what makes you the unique and special individual that you are today.  The qualities that you are so ashamed of just might be completely endearing to someone else.  Once you are able accept and love all the parts of you, someone else will be able to as well.  And, you will then be able to experience the loving act of accepting another person for who they truly are; the recipe for a perfect relationship.

Hilary Silver is a licensed psychotherapist and a certified addictions counselor.  You can check her website at www.hilarysilvertherapy.com or call her for more information at 720-935-7393.