The Holiday Season You Really Want
by Francesca Starr of the Complete Life Center

This time of year is emotionally and psychologically complex for just about everyone, but often the holiday season can shine a particularly unwelcome spotlight on single life. A new client recently admitted that she dreads this time of year and ends up thoroughly miserable by the end of it. We decided to take on the challenge of consciously creating holiday experiences that are actually good for her this year—and finding new ways to act that will change the unhelpful patterns of the past, and provide opportunities for personal growth and real celebration.

Before we started, I shared with my client the most current understanding of the human psyche (our inner world): We are comprised of many different parts, or sub-personalities. Some are far more developed than others, and each of these Primary Selves have an equal and opposite Self that is repressed or buried in the “Shadow” territory. As we strengthen a Conductor or Manager of this wonderful cast of characters, we can choose which parts of the cast (or which instruments in the inner orchestra) are most appropriate or effective for any given situation in life.

As my client Julia (name changed) and I explored why the holidays had become such a dark time for her, we learned that a highly developed part of her, her Pleaser/Accommodator, seemed to totally take over during this time of year.

This Pleaser’s job was to make Julia the peacemaker in the family; to be the very good daughter/sister by attending to everyone else’s needs, making them happy so they wouldn’t fight or compete with each other. In adulthood, her Pleaser helped Julia appear kind and appreciative by attending all family gatherings, even when these occasions made her feel terrible. Julia is the only single sibling in her family, and she doesn’t have children. Family gatherings revolve around the grandchildren and their successes. The parents are proud of their grandchildren and focus their attention on them, and give their praise to the siblings who have kids. In this world Julia feels invisible and a failure, although she is a successful business woman.

To try to get others’ attention and regard, the Pleaser consistently gives Julia’s energy to others by: helping with preparations and decorations, washing the dishes, over-giving gift-wise, and spending time playing with the kids while the adults relax with each other.

Julia ends up tired and isolated, and leaves the gatherings to return home unfulfilled, depressed, and unappreciated. Even if she wanted to, she has so little energy left for herself that she tends to hibernate for the rest of the holidays, and ends up feeling resentful and as though she really had no holiday at all. Our challenge is to activate more of the other “selves” within her as a way to provide alternatives to these patterns.

Julia’s Pleaser Self automatically takes over, and stays in charge from Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day. We used a fascinating method called Voice Dialogue to speak directly with her Pleaser, but also with its opposite self, the part that is self-referenced, more assertive, and self-assured. This sub-personality brought Julia’s attention and focus inward so she became aware of what was in her best interest.

When we spoke with “What About Me?” she was very quick to say, “I want to create a meaningful holiday season and I have lots of ideas about how to accomplish this goal, because I know what Julia likes! I also know that she doesn’t want to spend time with the family, because they ignore her and it hurts her. And I can say, ‘Sorry, but I am not going to attend family gatherings this year. I am taking a sabbatical from them for this season, as I have decided to spend some time with friends and time alone.’” We decided that this voice was also the Boundary Setter.

What did “What About Me?” think Julia really wanted to do? We made a list of the people Julia really wanted to see and spend time with, and those she could politely sidestep (using the Boundary Setter with a dash of the Pleaser). We also made lists of the kinds of events and experiences that would increase Julia’s sense of peace and joy. We imagined a holiday season that was full of self-care and nurturing. What would make her feel truly connected to herself? To others? To the spirit of the season?

After speaking with both voices, Julia moved to the space in between the two. This was the position of the Conductor. Because this Conductor can truly appreciate what both Inner Selves have to offer, she can use their skill sets as needed. In the situations over the holidays, here’s how this worked in Julia’s life:

Julia, as the Conductor of her Inner Selves, dialed up her Boundary Setter to send regrets and forego the long, drawn out, and far too enervating family Thanksgiving dinner. She did, however, conduct up her Pleaser to tell her parents that she would be delighted to join them for what turned out to be a truly joyful appearance at dessert! This time when she arrived, they were all genuinely happy to see her, and she didn’t have to do a thing!

Julia’s “What About Me?” Self had called a couple of friends and asked if she could join them for dinner. They were thrilled to have her join them! After dessert with her family she made plans to go to a movie she’s looking forward to, by herself. Julia has planned the right blend of celebration with special friends, the right mix of family, and peaceful time alone.

Shopping and walking the streets of downtown noticing happy couples and families has reinforced Julia’s sense of isolation in the past. This year she’s ordering gifts on the internet while she listens to music that sets the right tone and with a glass of wine in hand. Julia plans to go downtown once, during a big special event where she will take in the lights, the music, and meet the right friends for drinks and dinner at a great restaurant. It will be a very special holiday evening out—a conscious and complete celebration.

She’s going to hang her stocking above her bathtub and fill it herself with gifts to herself from the spa. With access to “What About Me?” she has the courage and the voice to gather friends for a small dinner party, before going together to a nearby church for a Christmas organ concert. Julia is creating her joyful Holiday Season!

Being single creates plenty of challenges. Why not meet some of these by understanding more about your unique combination of “inner selves, which can be explored and moderated consciously to serve your life. With some practice you can live a more complete life and become more joyful as a result. This year, why not create the most fulfilling Holiday Season ever?

Francesca Starr, Ph.D., LPC
Executive Director
Complete Life Center
www.completelifecenter.com
303-399-9001 x1

 “Francesca’s Voice Dialogue Work Transforms Lives!”

                        Shakti Gawain

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Francesca Starr, Ph.D., LPC, is the Founder and Executive Director of The Complete Life Center. She has two Masters’ Degrees (Education and Transpersonal Psychology), a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology, and is a Licensed Professional Counselor. Francesca is a gifted Counselor and Voice Dialogue Facilitator, with a thriving private practice in Denver. She is also a Trainer and Workshop Leader. Francesca is a published author and has worked with groups and individuals for over 30 years.

Francesca is opening her practice to accept new clients at this time. Francesca Starr, Ph.D., LPC provides individual counseling sessions that her clients describe as being both deeply healing and profoundly transformative, providing immediate insight and practical support to living a more complete life—even from the first session.

To get a sense of what it would be like to work with her, or to ask any questions, please call Francesca, or email her at francesca@completelifecenter.com ● 303 399-9001