Horsemen Behavior – Contempt by Jeannine Lee

There are four behaviors so deadly to a relationship, be it a romantic, familial, or business relationship, that they have been called 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' by relationship expert, John Gottman, Ph.D. This is the second in a series of four articles devoted to understanding the impact of each of these behaviors along with tips, tools and strategies for overcoming the impact of the behaviors, which are:

·         Criticism

·         Contempt

·         Defensiveness

·         Stonewalling

This time we look at Contempt:

Humans are powerful. The union of two humans is not merely the joining of two minds, or even two hearts. It is, in reality, a joining of two universes. And when universes collide, or even endeavor to peacefully mesh, there will be conflict.

Last time we noted how criticism slowly eats away at the fabric of a relationship -- like an acid. Contempt goes one step further. It is the most poisonous of all the behaviors because it doesn't attack merely what a person does (as criticism) but instead it attacks the very essence of the person. It has been shown to cause actual physical harm.

Long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner fuel contempt. This can occur when one or both people take a passive position in the relationship, stockpiling offenses, rather than staying current with problems as they arise.

Contemptuous behaviors include:

Ø       Belittling

Ø       Cynicism

Ø       Belligerence

Ø       Name-calling

Ø       Hostile humor

Ø       Sarcasm

Just listing them kind of makes you cringe doesn't it?

So what do we do with it?

When you notice that it is happening, name it, and request that it stop. "You are belittling me. Will you stop belittling me?"

If you are the one feeling contemptuous identify what it is that you really want.  "I feel ______ I want _________" ("I am feeling really angry towards you right now, and what I want instead is to be able to understand you and know you are for me.") Notice that this is about what YOU want; not what you want the other to do for you. Contempt is a grownup version of  temper tantrum.

Contempt toward another reveals a lack of respect. If you don’t respect your partner, look at your inability to see their good traits. We can always find evidence to support what we are looking for.  If contempt comes home to roost, it’s time to change your focus. Look for their creativity, resourcefulness and strengths.  Remember that it is not that they have less value it is that you are limited in your ability to see how great they are. Constructive conflict is only possible from a place of respect.

Take charge of you. If you are participating in contemptuous behaviors--stop. Immediately put those animals back in their cages and determine to be funny and interesting in other ways.  Find other places to vent your tantrum energies.

The law of attraction works in all areas of life. Changes always begin with us. If you desire a relationship free of contempt, don’t be the one to bring it in!

Next article looks at defensiveness.

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Jeannine Lee is a certified Life, Relationship and Grief Recovery Coach.  She works with singles, couples and the divorcing to create a future worth having.  She also facilitates the Fisher Rebuilding divorce recovery and other personal growth seminars.  Contact her at 303-499-1987 or by email from her website:  www.FisherDivorceRecovery.com.