Part 2 - Horsemen Behavior - Four Behaviors Destined to Destroy Your Relationship - Criticism

By Jeannine Lee

Imagine your dream relationship. Playful, honoring, companionable, intimate, a safe place to land.  Rest in that vision for a moment.

This is what most of us desire, and even trust we will have when we sign on for a relationship. So what gets in the way?  John Gottman, Ph.D. asked the same question.  So desirous was he to know that he spent 16 years working with couples in his Love Lab compiling definitive research as to what works and does not work in the creation of strong relationships.

In his research, Gottman found four behaviors that were so destructive to a relationship that he called them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

In this series of four articles we will explore these behaviors and provide tips, tools and strategies for their management. The behaviors are:

·       Criticism

·       Contempt

·       Defensiveness

·       Stonewalling

Now, let’s explore Criticism

Complaints happen in any relationship.  Complaints are merely unspoken requests and can be managed by being pro-active and turning the complaint into a request.  Instead of, “You are always leaving the lid off of the toothpaste.”  Try, “Will you please put the lid on the toothpaste when you finish?”  The response will tell you a lot about your communication level and willingness to work together.  Remember that whining and nagging never work.

There is a big difference between complaining and criticizing. A complaint addresses a specific failed action.  Criticism and blaming add negative words about your partner’s character or personality onto the complaint. Adding the words, "What is wrong with you?" to the end of any complaint will turn it into criticism.  Being unhappy with a behavior--which your partner has the ability to change, is a totally different matter than being unhappy with the essence or personality of your partner—which is unchangeable – because it is who he or she is.

If you tend to fall into criticism in your relationship, try this:

Criticize the behavior and not the person

Turn your complaints into requests

Instead of: "You SOB, why didn't you tell me we were going to Aunt Sally's this weekend?"  Try: "I really like to know our plans ahead of time. Next time, will you tell me earlier?"

Don’t be Defensive

Being defensive escalates conflict.


If your partner is being critical, listen for the reasonable request embedded in the complaint. Don’t deflect it.  If you hear, "You didn't tell me we were going to Aunt Sally's" simply say: "I’m sorry. Would you like me to let you know about the plans I make ahead of time?"  (Then observe the speed at which that disarms the entire conflict.)

Make requests instead of demands

Realize also that a request can be met with ‘yes’ ‘no’ or a renegotiation of some kind.  These are valid responses that must be respected. 

A request is not a demand.  The other has no obligation to comply – but it will be your best shot at getting what you desire.

Don't worry so much about who is doing what to whom, instead ask:

"What's trying to happen in this relationship?"


And "What does the relationship need from us now?"


Conflict is the process of incorporating something that is currently missing into your relationship.  (For 5 Ways to Creatively Approach Conflict, sign up here: http://www.fisherdivorcerecovery.com/newsletter.shtml) 

Take a look at how you are contributing to the problem you are feeling critical about.

Even if your partner had a bigger contribution, you will not feel as powerless if you are aware of how you contributed to the problem and what you can do to change it - irregardless of what your partner does.  There is power in ownership.  Waiting for someone else to change before you can be happy is one of life’s most futile endeavors.

Apologize

Apologize even if you do not feel you were being critical.  What matters more is how the other experienced you.


Remain curious about the impact of what you say and take responsibility for cleaning up any messes you make, even inadvertently.

Jeannine Lee is a certified Life, Relationship and Grief Recovery Coach.  She works with singles, couples and the divorcing to create a future worth having.  She also facilitates the Fisher Rebuilding divorce recovery and other personal growth seminars.  Contact her at 303-499-1987 or by email from her website:  www.FisherDivorceRecovery.com.

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From the Bookshelf - "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"

by John Gottman, Ph.D."

After 16 years of working with couples in his "Love Lab" Dr. Gottman published his research findings in this book. He gives solid evidence of what works and does not work in relationship. Learn more about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and try out proven relationship strengthening exercises. This book should be distributed with marriage licenses!