Horsemen Behavior - Defensiveness by Jeannine Lee

There are four behaviors so deadly to a relationship, be it a romantic, familial, or business relationship, that they have been called 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' by relationship expert, John Gottman, Ph.D. This is the third in a series of articles devoted to understanding the impact of each of these behaviors. Also included are tips, tools and strategies for overcoming the impact of the behaviors, which are:

·        Criticism

·        Contempt

·        Defensiveness

·        Stonewalling

This time we look at Defensiveness:

We recently noted how long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner fuels contempt. Contempt attacks not just what the other does, but who the person IS. Defensiveness is a harmful behavior that is often overlooked.

Why is defensiveness so destructive to relationship? Defensiveness is a natural human response, but it destroys relationships. Being heard creates intimacy/unity; but defensiveness says, "I'm not the problem, you are." Defensiveness deflects the issue and makes it about the other person. It is common for the defensive partner to feel s/he is above the conflict, when in fact his or her defensiveness is an equal contribution to the problem. Defensiveness escalates conflict.

If you've been caught in this behavior, try something new: 

If you are feeling defensive:

·        Repeat what you heard and ask for clarification. "I'm hearing that you think I am not trustworthy. Is that true? Can you clarify that for me?"

·        Look for the 2% truth in what you are hearing. The other person may be exaggerating in their complaint but there is usually some useful truth in there somewhere. Verbally own what you can.  "I can see how I am untrustworthy when I'm late so often."

If the other person is feeling defensive:

·        Take responsibility for the impact of what you say. The other person may be feeling criticized even though you were unaware of it. Re-phrase what you intended to say in a way that is not critical.

·        Ask the other what they heard you say.

·        Listen attentively. Let the other person know you understand what they are saying, that you really get their experience of it, and are not just hearing words, and then own the consequences of your actions. "I understand how difficult it is for you when I am late. You must feel like I don't care about you at all." Being heard in this way will eliminate a lot of defensiveness.

Above all, let the other person know that your desire is to find a place to connect and that you are bringing the issue up because you care about the relationship. This will go a long way toward lowering his or her defenses and make the way for a more productive conversation.

Stay tuned next time for the last of the Four Horsemen behaviors:  Stonewalling.

Jeannine Lee is a certified Life, Relationship and Grief Recovery Coach.  She works with singles, couples and the divorcing to create a future worth having.  She also facilitates the Fisher Rebuilding divorce recovery and other personal growth seminars.  Contact her at 303-499-1987 or by email from her website:  www.FisherDivorceRecovery.com.