Horsemen Behavior - Stonewalling

There are four behaviors so deadly to a relationship, be it a romantic, familial, or business relationship, that they have been called 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' by relationship expert, John Gottman, Ph.D. This is the fourth in a series of articles devoted to understanding the impact of each of these behaviors. Also included are tips, tools and strategies for overcoming the impact of the behaviors, which are:

·        Criticism

·        Contempt

·        Defensiveness

·        Stonewalling

This time we look at my personal favorite: Stonewalling

Relationships by definition involve you and at least one other. When someone is actively disengaged from the conversation or the relationship, Gottman calls it stonewalling. It is very hard on a relationship. ‘Active’ and ‘disengagement’ are the key words.

.        "I need to talk to you."

.        [Silence]

.        "Can we talk please?"

.        [silence]

.        "If you don't talk to me I'm going to burn that &*%$#@ paper!"

.        [ducking behind the newspaper - more silence]

.        Sounds of a flame thrower come from the kitchen.

Stonewalling shows up in silent treatments, a refusal to engage, and withdrawal - in general just ignoring the other. Usually when stonewalling is present several of the other horsemen are also present and wreaking havoc. Stonewalling always escalates the conflict. The 'other' will get louder and more insistent in his or her demands for your attention. Or worse, give up and also withdraw. Call the coroner.

So what to do:

Realize your system is in a state of alarm and needs immediate attention!

·        If you are the one who is stonewalling explore the fears behind why you are not speaking. Is there a part of your identity that is at risk? Get yourself grounded, then speak from that place.

·        It may be helpful to explain why you are withholding. What safety conditions do you need to implement in order to be able to speak freely? Do you need to know that what you share will be held in confidence? Do you need to request that your partner let you speak uninterrupted for a length of time? Do you need to set aside a time and/or place to have a difficult conversation?

·        Is there a real threat of danger? Do you need a neutral place to meet, or a third party present? Do you need to set a boundary on a particular behavior your partner employs (like screaming or bullying)? Again, what do you need to create a place where communication can happen?

·        If your partner is stonewalling take a look at what you are doing that causes him/her to not feel safe in expressing him/herself. Have you been judgmental? Are you being critical or contemptuous? Is s/he fearful that you will dismiss his/her ideas? Do you have to be right?

·        Finally, focus on how YOU want to be, and how you want the relationship to be, regardless of what your partner does. This can often neutralize unproductive behavior and keep positive changes happening. Set up places outside your relationship for "Poor me, ain't it awful" conversations to take place so you can show up in the relationship the way YOU want.

Relationship coaching can be a powerful witness and change agent for your relationship.  Don’t wait until your relationship is taking its last breath before you seek help!

Jeannine Lee is a certified Life, Relationship and Grief Recovery Coach.  She works with singles, couples and the divorcing to create a future worth having.  She also facilitates the Fisher Rebuilding divorce recovery and other personal growth seminars.  Contact her at 303-499-1987 or by email via her website:  www.FisherDivorceRecovery.com.