Radical Honesty in Relationships

by Stephanie Roth

Honesty matters. Most of us think we’re honest, but in reality, we lie all the time. To whom do you think you lie the most? Your boss? Your significant other? Your kids? Yourself?

I imagine that I lie to myself the most. I tell myself I’m going to finish a project by a certain time, and then I write email or put the dishes away, or read the newspaper. I tell myself I won’t go to bed without going to the gym or for a walk. Then when I crawl into bed at 2 AM I wonder why I couldn’t have taken 10 minutes to walk around the block.

That’s not lying, you might be thinking. Lying is when you say something untruthful, with the intent to deceive.

Since 1998 I’ve been studying the concept of Radical Honesty as presented by Brad Blanton, Ph.D., in his books, Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth and Practicing Radical Honesty: How to Complete the Past, Live in the Present and Build a Future with a Little Help from Your Friends. Brad’s brand-new book is Radical Parenting: Seven Steps to a Functional Family in a Dysfunctional World.

After seven years of studying this Radical Honesty stuff, I’m just now getting used to saying to someone, “What you just said made me uncomfortable,” or, to use Brad’s preferred wording, “I resent you for what you just said.”

It used to be much easier for me to stuff those feelings, to sweep the words under the rug, to justify to myself why I shouldn’t react to them, or to simply put those feelings in a mental backpack to be dumped out later—often months later, in anger or hysteria. As I become more adept at noticing those feelings in my body, it becomes harder and harder to stuff or repress them. Now I am aware that the pain of not speaking my truth is far greater than the momentary fear that comes from taking a deep breath and speaking. It gets easier every time I do it, which helps me encourage others in my life to be honest with me, and to risk speaking my truth to more people outside my comfort zone.

After my first Radical Honesty 8-day workshop, my former husband asked me, “Is everyone in those workshops as big a liar as you are?” I responded that of course they are – why else would they be IN the workshop? And so are you, and so is nearly everyone else. The difference is that the people studying Radical Honesty are willing to notice when they lie, which can lead to a change in their behavior and a commitment to lead a more honest life.

 

We mostly lie by withholding information (“Oh, I forgot to tell you, I’ve been having an affair with your best friend”), and by saying something we don’t really mean (“Of course that dress doesn’t make you look fat, dear,” which really means, “Why do you ask me that when you don’t want to know the answer anyway?”).

 

Think about it. When you ask your mate, “What’s wrong?” and she says, “Nothing,” she’s lying. Do you believe her? You can tell by her body language, her tone of voice, and the tears in her eyes that she’s lying. Or, you ask him, “What’s wrong,” and he glares at your, or says, “Nothing,” but he’s not looking at you and you know he’s on another planet emotionally.

 

How many times a day when someone asks us a question—whether it’s “How are you?” or “What’s wrong?” or “Are you mad at me?”—do we respond with “OK” or “nothing” or “of course not,” when the truth would be “I’m scared to death” or “What you said really pissed me off” or “Yes, I’m really mad at you.” Do you think that’s not really lying? What is it? Why are you afraid to use the real word? Does sugar-coating it really make you feel better, or hurt less?

If you want to bring more honesty into your life, even if you aren't ready to be Radical, here are some coaching challenges for you:

1. Notice what your body feels like when you aren't telling the complete truth. 

2. Notice when your intuition says, "you left something out."

3. Notice when your partner says something that you react to, don't like, take issue with, even resent. You'll know because you'll get some sort of icky feeling in your body.

4. Notice what you do: Do you respond? Do you reach for chocolate? Do you say nasty things about that person to yourself or under your breath? Do you call a friend and tell her about it? Do you go for a bicycle ride or a run?

I’d love to know what you come up with – please feel free to email me your thoughts and feelings and what came up for you while reading or when you accepted the coaching challenges.

Stephanie Roth is a Relationship Coach and a certified Radical Honesty trainer. She coaches couples and families to speak the truth and ask for what they want. Contact her at stephaniefaye@juno.com or call 303.410.8167

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